try outs

I’ve never tried out for any type of organized sports in my life. Probably because my brain has no reign over my motor extremities. This may provide some explanation to anyone who has ever caught me dancing at very random moments to no music. And possibly, because I’m allergic to my own sweat. True story.

So while observing semipro football tryouts, it all became very clear to me that I best leave any graceful physical activity to the experts. You have to be fast. Like Speedy Gonzales fast. At my peak physical condition, which was back in high school, my best mile time was 12 minutes and 31 seconds. You have to be very flexible. I can’t even touch my toes. And you have to be strong. I ask my neighbor to open my pickle jars.

The only thing that I can handle athlete style is this acceptable snack pack. Consume 15 minutes prior to vigorous activity.